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Yesterday, Jane was on duty as a tour guide at a lovely little pre-revolutionary war church in rural Virginia. It was late in the afternoon when a youngish woman wearing shorts and a Cubs ball hat stepped into the visitor’s center looking lost. Thinking that she might need directions, Jane quietly approached to offer her assistance. The seemingly lost young lady said she just wanted to go in the church.

Death and taxes (seemingly unlikely bed fellows at first glance) are often linked together because they have long been considered unavoidable life events. Some even say they are the only two things that are certain in life. Neither is something people typically look forward to, but they are both events that are anticipated and can be prepared for in advance.

According to a National Funeral Directors Association survey, more than half (62.5%) of us expect to participate in making our own funeral arrangements. And yet, less than a quarter of us have actually acted on that impulse. Not really so surprising since making funeral arrangements can literally be the very last thing we do. We can put it off right up to the end!

Let’s talk about the stages of grief. There is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I studied them in nursing school, reviewed them when I got divorced and generally found them to be a pretty accurate and helpful bit of knowledge. And then, a family member died. Stages?

Can I just say that funerals stick in the mind of a loved one years after a death? It’s important that you get it right. Please don’t put your wishes in the drawer with the rest of your files. Oh, and that thing where you tell the kids what you want. That’s not the best either.

First, relax. Talking about your funeral plans might make you a little uncomfortable at first but making a plan doesn’t mean you will be using it anytime soon. Your funeral director or advance planner will guide you through the process. Most people get very comfortable in just a few minutes.

Talking with a veteran of the more recent wars or conflicts such as Vietnam, Afghanistan, or Iraq can be intimidating. You may have a parent or spouse who served in Vietnam who has never shared anything about their experience with you. The Vietnam War was different from wars in the past in that the value of the war itself was questioned and many of those who served came home to a hostile public. It was not a hero’s welcome. Their story may have been bottled up all these years and time is running out for families to learn about their loved one’s experience.

Taps. There is nothing like the sound of those patriotic notes. It grabs your heart, it makes you cry. It honors the service and risk a man or woman took for our safety and the safety of our country.

Why should you attend a funeral? The presence of family and friends at the funeral is appreciated. We gather to acknowledge a life that was lived. We gather to comfort those for whom life has just been forever changed by the death of someone they loved.

Are you considering going to a funeral? Will you be a guest or, are you the survivor in charge and deciding if there will even be a funeral? Either way, before you just skip the funeral perhaps you should consider how elephants behave when one of their species dies. Perhaps we have something to learn from Dumbo.

One of the realities of losing a spouse or a parent is the impact that event has on living arrangements. Are we living in the “right” place? Is the house too big? Is it too far away from family? Will my surviving parent be safe where they live? Should I move to be closer to mom or should mom move closer to me?

Even months after the funeral it’s not uncommon to feel just not exactly right. We all lose our way from time to time. Things happen and we can’t find our JOY. It’s not really so much gone, as it is misplaced. Life feels dull and the days seem to drag. No matter what the circumstances, if you look for it, you can find your own personal JOY again. However, you will have to work a bit to find it and reconnect.

Your presence is important. If there is any way possible, please, just be there. When a child is born it is a life changing event for the parents, siblings and grandparents at the very least. It may also be a life changing event for the kindergarten teacher five years in the future. Bottom line, life matters.

Do not put off contacting your friend to express your sympathy. Options and opportunities may have changes over the decades, but the importance of reaching out to those suffering a loss has not. A call or a written note is always just right. Social media is just fine under some circumstances and a personal visit is lovely. Additionally, many funeral homes have a place on their website to post condolences. This format allows your expression of sympathy to be delivered privately and quickly.